@stephenparker on Twitter asked an excellent question:
Is it better to be objective in our decision making, or should our relationships play a role? Is it better to be right or loyal?
What a great question. Here’s my answer:
I used to be very into “being right.” After many, many years, I reviewed it (as in my “review your decision-making” post) and and realized that it wasn’t working for me. Once I was out of school, no one cared if I was right, and right/wrong struggles destroy relationships. While I let go of the need to be right as much as possible, I still adhere strongly to my sense of ethics and integrity.
It’s also important to note that I was wrong once. I think it was in 3rd grade? Maybe 2nd? If I was wrong once, it could happen again. So even if I think something’s “right,” I might be wrong, right?
At some point, the notion of “right” got much richer for me. It’s no longer just “is it computationally correct that 4+4=8,” but it involves understanding the impact of my answers on everyone involved. Sometimes, the “right” answer is painful, awkward, or unkind in ways that trump being right. Sometimes, I may know I’m right(*), but someone else is so set in their world view that pushing it does nothing good for the relationship.
What good is being right if there’s no one else in the room who cares?
What do you think is best? Being right? Being loyal? Being kind? Being wise?
Oooh, good one today. Many, many, many people are infatuated with being right, and I have had the pleasure (sarcastic) of working with and being related to many of them.
However, I think there are a great deal of things that are more important than ‘being right’. Like being aware of the context of a situation, being humble, being sensitive to someone’s feelings, just for starters.
Also, you can ‘be right’ in the right way or the wrong way, depending on your delivery methods and approach.
I agree — this is a good topic. In personal relationships, the decision to either be right or be kind is a little simpler… but, from what I can tell, it seems like people are better served by picking their battles wisely and carefully. Most issues just aren’t worth endangering valuable relationships.
I think the question in an “either or” form assumes a dichotomy that shouldn’t be. Do we want everyone feeling good about a “bad” decision that leads to disaster? No. Neither do we want a truly right position or decision that no one buys into and, therefore, is stillborn. How many corporate programs have you seen die, yet they were based on valid principles? Hence, we need both.
Pingback: Richard Mondello : Objective Decisions or Relationship-Driven Decisions?
I took a few days to think about this question and wrote up a pretty long answer on my blog.
http://richardmondello.com/2008/04/19/objective-decisions-or-relationship-driven-decisions/
Here’s an excerpt:
“In a perfect world, these two items aren’t diametrically opposed. In this fantasy land I just referenced, being loyal to one’s relationships is the right thing. We wouldn’t have to ask ourselves the tough questions or make decisions that challenge our values; regrettably, this world doesn’t exist. When found, it’s often short-lived.”
I think “being right” is our ego getting in the way. “Being” is what we should all strive for and not let our ego’s get in the way of anything we do.
Great read is Eckhart Tolle’s book “A New Earth” http://eckharttolle.com/a_new_earth
Still reading, but I think it jive’s very well with your post here.