Originally appeared on: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/qdtarchive/accepting-criticism-and-feedback-gracefully/
November 25, 2008
Learning to give criticism is simple. Now, learn to accept criticism, no matter who gives it.
When I was a kid, the other kids cared. I would walk into the room and they would say things like, “You’re ugly,” and “What are you, some kind of space alien?” Their helpful feedback led me to buy some nose-hair clippers, get a haircut, and spend $60 grand on therapy for my alien abduction issues. My therapist says I’m the first one whose delusions are from the alien point of view. Hmm.
Now I’m sure this has happened to you. Your boss gives helpful feedback. “Your report looks like it was typed by a monkey.” Or “Gee, that outfit makes you look so attractive! … for a change.” It feels … horrible.
Here’s the thing. People take lessons in how to *give *feedback. You sandwich the criticism between two compliments. It’s a horrible technique. All this “feedback sandwich” does is train people to hear a compliment and wait for the other shoe to drop. This episode’s transcript links to an article on a better way to give feedback.
Giving Feedback Is Only Half the Equation
There are two problems with giving good feedback. First, you go to all that effort, gently give someone the feedback, and they show up the next day with a semiautomatic rifle and take you out. All that effort, wasted!
Plus, psychotically violent employees notwithstanding, giving feedback feels great. It’s receiving that sucks. Today’s tip is to hear criticism however it’s given. Your life will be way better. Trust me.
First, Feel It
Use defensiveness to as your signal. Say you find yourself jumping up and down, clenching your fist, and yelling, “Me? A fake? I knew the whole time your shoes weren’t real Prada!” When you’re reduced to insulting footwear, it’s a sign. You’re being defensive.
But a moment earlier, you could feel it. You felt attacked. Maybe you tighten your chest, squint slightly, and tense up. Learn the feeling. It’s your new signal. When you feel it, next, find it.
Find It
Have you ever noticed you only feel defensive when you agree at some level? I never wore braces. Call me tinsel teeth and I’ll think you’re nuts. But I did wear glasses. Call me four eyes, and my gut yells, “No I’m not!” But that’s stupid, because I am a four-eyes. (The kids told me I was a space alien…) We feel most defensive about things we agree with at some level.
Once you feel it, find it. No matter how outrageous or strange, go inside and genuinely find a way it is or was true for you. But do it without blame, shame, or guilt! Just find the truth and notice.
My nemesis says, “You dress weird.” Do I? People do get funny expressions when I show up at business meetings in a skintight vinyl vest and sequined pants. So yes, I can find it. And when I find it, the defensiveness lets go. Now, we agree, and I feel no need to attack.
If you go inside and don’t find it, fine. They’ve just given you valuable information about how they perceive you. If you’re curious, be a student. Ask for details. “I didn’t realize that. What do you find weird about my pleather?” You might learn something.
In that moment, they become your teacher, not your enemy. Are you fooling yourself? Maybe. But remember: the point is to learn to accept criticism no matter who delivers it or how poorly. If you fool yourself into staying calm, I say, embrace self-deception. You might get good fashion advice, and it’s good practice if you ever want to run for office.
Finally, Follow It
Once you’ve found the truth, act on it. If they say you hurt them, make it up to them. If they say your clothes are weird, ask them for shopping help. If they call you four eyes, you can even say, “You’re right. I do have four eyes. Do you think Lasik would help?”
This works with any criticism. You’re ugly. “I’ve thought that at times. What do you recommend?” “Your report is shallow and stupid.” “Really? Can you help me understand what I’ve missed?” “You betrayed me.” “That’s not how I saw it. Can you share your side with me?”
You don’t have to take their advice. Just ask, listen, and consider it for real. What makes this work is your honest effort to hear it.
Sometimes, if I don’t remember to feel it, find it, and follow it in the heat of the moment, I can take those three steps later and it’s still valuable.
Here are examples from listeners.
Listener Examples.
A job seeker hears: “You just don’t seem to be the right fit for this.”
Could it be?
If they’re saying it, maybe so. Now follow up and ask, “Can you help me understand the fit?” And by the way, if you’re smart, you want to know. Ending up in a job that’s a bad fit leads to misery.
A producer tells a singer: “Your voice is too good. You hit too many high notes.”
Find it: is your voice too good? You’ve had twenty years of voice lessons, and practiced enunciation. Maybe they want a hacking, garage band sound. Follow it and see where you can go. “You know, I think you’re right.” (Cough up a big ball of phlegm, and make a rasping sound in your throat) “How’s this?” Record contract, here you come!
Our instinct is to defend when attacked. If we’re going to have a mindless reaction, why not mindlessly assume the criticism fits, find it, and follow it, and move on to make amends or learn from the experience.
I learned this technique from Byron Katie, and if you would like to hear a full interview with her about how and why this works, there’s a link to a full interview with her in this episode’s transcript at https://getitdone.quickanddirtytips.com.
RESOURCES:
https://www.successtrategies.com/news-and-media/articles-interviews/Feedback_sandwich.php – The Feedback Sandwich is Out to Lunch, by Shelle Rose Charvet
– https://www.steverrobbins.com/getitdoneguy/58-byronkatie-acceptingcriticism.htm
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the Get-it-Done Guy podcast, an iTunes top-10 business podcast, from 2007 to 2020. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a degree in Computer Science from MIT.
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