Originally appeared on: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/qdtarchive/how-to-give-unsolicited-feedback/
April 1, 2014
Giving good feedback is an art. When someone wants to listen, at least they’re open. But if they don’t want to listen, you need to find a way to open their ears before they’ll open their minds.
Feedback!
If you’re like me, you’re just full of useful advice that you want to give everyone you meet. Whenever you see them doing something, you are just bursting with the impulse to tell them how they can do it even better. If it’s something they do poorly, you can help them do it well. And if it’s something they’re an expert in—and you have no experience with the topic to speak of—you still just know, deep in your bones, that they can benefit from the brilliant insights that flow endlessly from your crisp, clear, quality thinking.
In my case, I just put all that great information out on my podcast, secure in the knowledge that I’m changing the world. And yet, there are some people out there who just don’t recognize my brilliance.
Once in a while, someone writes in saying, “I love the concept behind your podcast. But could you just get to the point and skip the humor and the chattiness? Your sense of humor sucks. Your podcast would be better if it were a dry, monotone program where you recite just the useful information, packaged for my personal convenience.” You can imagine how privileged I feel, that someone who is downloading my hard work for free, is willing to take the time to write and tell me how I should change it, because they don’t like my style.
From their point of view, they are being helpful. From my point of view, I hope their Oreo ice cream cake melts before they can have a slice. That’s because no one appreciates unsolicited feedback unless it’s unconditionally flattering. Not even me.
Give Advice When Asked
If someone asks for advice, that’s one thing. Give them advice. When you’re giving the advice, make sure to avoid value judgments about way they currently do things. We know you’re thinking it. Just don’t say it out loud. When they ask, “What do you think of my report?” Don’t say “First off, the grammar, spelling, punctuation, style, tone, formatting, margins, and content really sucks. Make it easier to read.”
When you’re judgmental, your target gets defensive and stop listening. Also, as hard as it is to believe, this person may know better than you. If you make fun of their stupidity, and you turn out to be the one who’s wrong, you’ll fall into a deep depression, become addicted to Skittles and orange soda, get a bad complexion, and ruin your chances for love in this lifetime. That would be bad.
Be non-judgmental and make your advice specific. “Make it easier to read” is too vague. Explain how to make it easier to read. Say something like:, “Make your headings bold so they stand out more.” That’s specific.
Ask Before Giving Unsolicited Advice
When someone doesn’t ask for advice, they probably won’t be thrilled to be getting it. Start by asking permission to give advice. Even so, be careful. Even something as innocuous as “I have a suggestion for how you could do this better” implies that what they’re doing now isn’t good enough.
Phrase your question in terms of your own, non-judgmental experience. “I notice you are indenting your paragraphs by typing spaces. I used to do that, too, and then I found a quicker way to do it. Would you like me to share it with you?”
Honor Their “No”
This is where you get to practice listening. “Yes” means “Yes.” If they say “Yes,” you’re ready to give your advice.
“No,” however, means “No.” If a person says “No,” they won’t listen to you. I know you’re just bursting to impress with your brilliance, but your friend simply isn’t interested. Go start a blog or a podcast, and then people who are interested will listen to you.
Get Them Interested By Aligning Goals
If you really, really, really know a person needs your advice and will appreciate you once they’ve heard it, you can try persuading them to listen. Mentally put yourself in their shoes. If you were this person, what would your goals be? If they’re writing a sales report, their goals could include finishing their project, impressing their boss, getting a promotion, or having the satisfaction of seeing the product in the hands of millions of people.
You can even ask, “What are your goals with this report?” The worst they can do is refuse to answer.
Make it About What They Want
Once you know the goals, frame your feedback in those terms.. For this to work, get agreement on the goals, then ask for permission again. “You’re working really hard on this report. Do you think this will be the report that gets you promoted to Not-Quite-Grand Poobah?” “Yes,” is the reply, “I sure hope so.” “I have an idea for how you could increase your chances of becoming Not-Quite-Grand Poobah. Would you like to hear it?”
If they say no it’s a fine time to change the topic and discuss pop culture or your favorite TV show. Like Breaking Bad. Nothing takes your mind off a marketing report like figuring out how to run a successful meth lab.
If you hound them to listen, neither of you will have a good time.
Be Prepared For Rejection
Even if they listen, there’s no guarantee they’ll take your advice. Once you’ve given it, know that you’ve done all you can. If you have a deep, emotional need for your advice to be followed, you just have to let it go. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. If you hound, however, neither of you will have a good time.
Next time you’re tempted to give unsolicited feedback or advice, stop. Ask permission. Honor the person’s answer. Be non-judgmental and specific if the person says “yes.” If the answer is “no,” your best bet is to drop it or to link the advice to their highest goals. Once you’ve said your piece, sit back, relax, and let it ride.
And, no, guy who-wrote-in-complaining-about-my-sense-of-humor, I won’t change. Unless you pay me. I’m available for one-on-one coaching, workshops, webinars, and speeches, and if you’re the client, I’ll take any advice you have to offer on what would make my material that much more valuable to you. Visit for more information.
I consult with people on how to give and receive good feedback, advice, and direction. If you want to know more, visit.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
Business Men Discussing Report**, Business Women Discusing Report, and Women Discussing Cosmetics images from Shutterstock
About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the Get-it-Done Guy podcast, an iTunes top-10 business podcast, from 2007 to 2020. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a degree in Computer Science from MIT.
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