Originally appeared on: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/qdtarchive/how-to-turn-enemies-into-friends/
March 24, 2014
How to turn enemies into friends is easy, given a little effort. Get-It-Done Guy plays nice.
We hate having enemies. Half-asleep, we sit down for our breakfast of steel-cut oatmeal (it’s a great source of omega–3s!). Suddenly there’s a thunderclap outside and our nemesis appears in a flash of lightning and column of smoke, scorching the freshly mown front lawn. They glide up to the front door, and leave a perfectly formed Red Delicious apple on our welcome mat.
First, we saw Snow White. We know enough to be suspicious of random apples. Second, Red Delicious aren’t very tasty. We only put Granny Smith apples on our oatmeal. And third, the slowly dissipating cloud of brimstone-smelling smoke is a giveaway. Having enemies is almost as annoying as having telemarketers.
Fortunately you have options. Whether your enemy is a colleague from work who is out to destroy you, a bowling teammate who resents your standing in the league, or an evil step-parent jealous of your amazing complexion and entourage of animated animals, there are tactics you can use to turn enemies into friends.
Give Without Expecting Anything in Return
As I’ve discussed in episodes on Give and Take and the Go-Giver, giving is a way to get people to like you. Why do you think Santa Claus is so popular? This man squeezes down fireplaces, probably sweats like a pig, and smells like a reindeer-holding pen. But children love him because he gives them toys. They’ll overlook his poor hygiene.
You can give something tangible. “I saw these beautiful new knitting needles and bought them for you. I blunted the tips, so you don’t accidentally stab yourself…or me.”
You can give favors or compliments. “I’m heading to the snack bar. Can I bring you anything?” If you do it with genuine helpful intent, it might score points.
You must initiate the gift, however. Giving a bully your lunch money isn’t giving, it’s compliance. But if they approach you, hand outstretched, menacing expression, and the instant before they demand money, you put a kitten in their outstretched hand, look them in the eye and say “A gift for you. She’s purring! She loves you already!” That counts as a gift. Plus, if they’re allergic, it gives you time to run away while they sneeze.
Ask Them for Help
The flip side of giving is taking! Believe it or not, this works, too. Ben Franklin tells the story of a political opponent he wanted to reconcile with. He asked to borrow a “rare and curious” book from his opponent and they ended up reconciling and becoming friends.
There are a couple of forces at work here. One is called commitment and consistency. It’s a psychological principle that says we don’t like inconsistency, especially in ourselves. If your nemesis gives you a book, they’ve helped you out. They need to reconcile that action with their internal world. They can’t change the fact that they helped you, but they can change the way they think about you. So they begin thinking that you must not be so bad, after all, seeing as they must like you enough to lend you a book or do you a favor.
My father used to tell me this as a young boy, too. He said the best way to deal with a bully was to get them on your side by asking for help.
In Franklin’s case, there was another force at work….
Franklin was known as a literary scholar, and by asking to borrow a book, he was implicitly flattering his enemy, thus combining both the giving and the getting.
If your office hater is getting you down, but they know how to use desktop presentation software, show them your next presentation and ask for their advice on fonts. Everyone has opinions on fonts (don’t they?). You’re flattering them and activating the consistency principle all at once.
Find Their Inner Awesome
This last technique comes from my “Pull Leadership” framework, which I developed based on Oprah Winfrey. I was impressed at the devotion of Oprah fans. I asked them why the great devotion. They’d say, “I feel like she sees the greatness I can be, and wants that to be real.”
A coaching client of mine wants to become a powerful leader, rally armies to his cause, and presumably take over the world. We’re starting with step one: learning to inspire loyalty in others. I gave him this assignment: Go approach 5 people who dislike you and are real jerks. Talk with each one, with the sole intention of finding why this person has the potential to be someone amazing. Since you already hate each other, you have nothing to lose by trying.
He reported back that he had failed the assignment. Everyone he thought was a jerk actually turned out to be an interesting, engaging person. You can imagine my surprise.
This is another way to turn haters into lovers. Especially in American culture, we’re trained to point out what’s wrong. Very few people ever look at us and see our inner awesomeness. When someone does that, sincerely, we like them! As paradoxical as it seems, a great way to turn a nemesis into a friend is to train yourself to sincerely, find the best in them and let them know it.
Make a Peace Offering
Lastly, you can always be up-front about wanting to reconcile. Contact your nemesis and say, “I know we haven’t gotten along in the past. I’d like to fix that. Can we have dinner and get to know each other better?” If they say “Yes,” you have a chance to have a dinner that might fix things. At the very least, it will be super-awkward, which can be fun in and of itself. And then you can tell your story to Modern Manners Guy who will probably make a podcast episode out of it. Everybody wins!
You could even cook them dinner and deliver a homemade meal to their doorstep, with a note saying, “This is a peace offering. I’d like to be friends.”
Write Them Off
Which brings me to the final strategy. Twice I’ve made a direct offer of reconciliation to my nemesis, only to be told, “I really don’t want to fix things.” In that case, screw ’em. Life is too short to waste your time with people who make the conscious, deliberate choice to keep hostility and animosity in their life.
What if the person is a boss, or someone your career depends on? Change jobs, because things won’t get better.
But first, try giving. Try asking for help. And try finding their inner awesome. And if none of those work, try one final peace offering. Bake them a pie. An apple pie. Using that Red Delicious apple you found on your doorstep. Surely it will taste as good as it looks, and will be yummy and healthy for them. After all, if they thought it was good enough for you to eat, they’ll think it’s devilishly good.
I’m Stever Robbins. I help high achievers accelerate their careers and organizations. If you want to know more, visit.
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About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the Get-it-Done Guy podcast, an iTunes top-10 business podcast, from 2007 to 2020. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a degree in Computer Science from MIT.
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