Originally appeared on: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/qdtarchive/how-to-find-a-romantic-partner/
July 28, 2015
They say that like attracts like … and that opposites attract. But like what? And opposite whats? Knowing how your brain works gives you the insight you need to find a compatible partner of the appropriate gender(s).
They say that new technology is driven by love. And by “love,” I of course mean physical love. You know, friends with benefits type love. Only the “friend” is the internet. Indeed, one of the biggest impediments to productivity is the easy availability of all that love online. People who work from home barely have enough time left over to work.
What little free time there is, people spend searching the internet for romantic love. People are searching for mail-order brides, online dating, and other romantic solutions. Everyone wants to know what will work in terms of how to get a girlfriend or boyfriend. We all want to find our very own shmoopie of the appropriate gender. Well it turns out that biological anthropologist Helen Fisher worked with chemistry.com to do honkin’ big analyses of online dating profile text: who writes to whom, who responds, and who turns out to be compatible. Her book Why Him? Why Her? is a great guide to making your search for a soulmate much more efficient.
Instead of basing her research on psychological models, Prof. Fisher looked at the four major neurotransmitter systems that affect the brain. She figured those would play out in different dynamics when people use online dating sites. Different systems are stronger in each of us. She’s given each of them names that can serve as memory hooks.Our Brains Drive Compatibility
Explorers are high in dopamine. Explorers … explore. They seek novelty. They’re spontaneous and go after what’s new. They’re creative, optimistic, enthusiastic, and mentally flexible.
Builders are the high-serotonin bunch. Builders like facts and rules. They are dependable, orderly, and calm. In short, they’re the people who keep everything running.
Directors are high-testosterone. They are analytical, logical, and direct. They make decisions and are good at strategic thinking. When it comes to emotions, sure, they have them, if they slow down long enough to notice.
Negotiators use an estrogen-driven brain to see big-picture. They connect facts across contexts and think holistically. They have great verbal skills and are experts at reading others’ non-verbal communication. They tend to be agreeable, altruistic, and expressive. Fisher calls their thinking style, “web thinking,” because they connect ideas in ways that none of the other types do.
Profiles Reflect the Biology
Each type of person emphasizes their associated qualities in their online profiles and conversation. An explorer will want to go adventuring. A builder will want someone to settle down with. Directors are go-getters who might talk about goals and achievement. Negotiators will be creative, nurturing ideas people. In her work with online dating at Chemistry.com, Fisher found that there were significant differences in how each profile related to the others.
Like Attracts Like
As the old adage goes, “like attracts like.” That’s true of explorers and builders. Explorers like excitement, so they go for other explorers. Builders like stability and caution, so they go after other builders. Would an explorer and builder fall for each other? Not likely. The two groups are about as polar opposite as you can get. To an explorer, a builder’s life would seem unbearably dull. And to a builder, an explorer takes foolish risks and is always running off half-cocked.
Opposites Attract
And as the old adage goes, “opposites attract” (I’ll bet you didn’t see that coming, did you?). The other two types, Directors and Negotiators, are drawn to their opposite. Directors are drawn to negotiators, and negotiators are drawn to directors. Two directors would tear each other apart. Imagine Donald Trump cloning himself and then getting romantically involved with the clone. It would. Not. End. Well. As for negotiators, I can’t really imagine what would happen if you put two of them in the same room, but it could involve a 4th dimensional brainstorming session that never, ever ends.
Our Top Two Systems Matter
You can visit Chemistry.com and take the personality profile for free. What matters are your top two types. Together, those control much of your personality. If you want to know how to get a girlfriend or how to get a boyfriend or how to get a ziz-friend, you can explicitly search for people who are like you, if you’re an Explorer or Builder, or who are your opposite, if you’re a Director or Negotiator.
You can even have both dynamics in one relationship. I’m a Director/Explorer, and my shmoopie is a Negotiator/Explorer. We have the opposites-attract dynamic in our primary type, and the like-attracts-like dynamic in our secondary type. It explains why it makes no sense that we’re together as a couple and have been for years. Using the neurotransmitter-based framework to seek and find a partner just might be a key to finding and building a long, happy relationship.
I’m gathering tips to deal with different forms of online connection, for long-term relationships, dating, or casual encounters. If you or anyone you know happens to be good at meeting people online or via apps, please share some of your knowledge with me by filling out my online dating survey.
I’m Stever Robbins. I help people develop extraordinary minds, reasoning ability, and ability to spot opportunity. If you want to know more, visit
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About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the Get-it-Done Guy podcast, an iTunes top-10 business podcast, from 2007 to 2020. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a degree in Computer Science from MIT.
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