Originally appeared on: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/qdtarchive/how-to-signal-your-intent-through-actions/
October 6, 2015
Sometimes we want people to understand us, but we can’t just say what we mean. Instead, we signal our intentions through our actions. Signaling is something best done with care.
Sometimes we need to signal what we mean more subtly than just stating our intention out loud—when we’re negotiating, flirting, or trying to set up our work nemesis to take the fall for a bad management decision.
My local bookstore recently posted an ad for a nighttime negotiation class for adults. The class cost thousands of dollars, so I called them up and said, “I can’t afford that much money. Give it to me for free.” They said, “No.” I said, “OK. Do you need my credit card or should I send a check?” They said, ‘Wow, you really do need to learn negotiating, don’t you?” And so, the deal was struck. Harvard Law School sure knows how to drive a hard bargain.
In the first class, we played a bidding game. Sealed bidding is an exercise in signaling intention through bid price, without the ability to communicate directly what you want. Just like flirting. So let’s explore flirting as an analogous situation. Europa, former pop star and now secret overlord of the entire Eastern Bloc, is lonely. Yes, she may have a cybernetic son Thomas whom she built to keep her company, but that’s no substitute for a shmoopie with whom she could do … shmoopie things. You know, like going to the opera together. For the first time in many years, Europa is feeling … romantic.
Don’t just signal once. Most people need repetition to get the pattern.
She’s recently met a prospective shmoopie named Sami. Sami is warm, friendly, and a great conversationalist and, in true 21st century style, texts Europa a dozen times a day. Europa, however, comes running to me on a regular basis. “Yes, we text all the time! But I don’t know if Sami just wants to be friends.” I roll my eyes. “Let me see the messages.”
“I had a really great time last night. Let’s hit the bowling alley again sometime.” That’s promising.
“I’m on a league. Maybe you could join us all for pizza after practice Wednesday.” That’s “just friends.”
“I’ve told everyone about you and how wonderful you are.” That’s promising.
“After all, the way you’ve done so well in business, while keeping your emotional stability.” That’s “just friends.” And by the way, it’s pretty clear Sami doesn’t know Europa that well. I’m not sure “emotionally stable” applies to someone who feels the need to build their very own cybernetic teenager in order to feel like a family.
Send a Clear, Unambiguous Signal
So far, Sami’s messages are all nice but ambiguous. They could go either way. Maybe admiring Europa’s skill in flirting, or maybe Sami’s just giving a straightforward evaluation from the point of view of a sociologist who specializes in business case studies.
When you’re sending a signal, being tentative doesn’t work. By definition, you use signaling in situations where it doesn’t work to discuss the situation explicitly—like flirting, or competitive bidding, or letting your team know that your idea is superior to the one presented by the senior person in the department.
Make signals obvious. “Europa, your eyes are the most beautiful shade of sea foam green I’ve ever seen.” That’s the sort of compliment you only give to a potential shmoopie. If you’re in a bidding situation and want to signal your commitment to winning the bid, don’t make a bid that’s 2% higher than your rival’s; make yours different enough that they know you’re serious. When you double their bid, that sends a strong message that you’re committed, and they may as well bow out now.
Send the Signal Multiple Times
It’s not enough to send the signal once. Many people don’t notice a pattern until it’s happened several times. If Sami compares Europa’s eyes to sea foam once, it could be perhaps a comment inspired by a momentary burst of interior decorating frenzy. But if Sami compares Europa’s eyes to sea foam, her hair to the finest silk, and her lithe figure to the graceful curves of a panther in flight, even Europa will figure out that Sami might be open to shmoopie-dom.
Miscommunication Happens
I told Europa to try twirling her hair and looking away from Sami. That’s heavy-duty flirting, all the way. But Sami walked over to me and noted with frustration that Europa’s lack of eye contact and hair twirling clearly indicated Europa was bored. Argh!!
Even with repeated signals, people may interpret them differently. In negotiation class, our team bid high in an auction, to guarantee we got at least one piece of Oreo Ice Cream Cake. We just wanted a safe bite of deliciousness. Our bidding opponent, however, interpreted our high bid as a signal that we were willing to win at any cost. We had a brief in-person meeting, but by then, they didn’t trust us when we shared the real meaning of our actions. It took three more rounds of signaling and an in-person meeting before everyone had sent and received the right messages.
Bluntness May Fail, Too
Even being straightforward doesn’t always work. In the flirting arena, if you ask someone you just met, “Would you like to come up to my apartment and have wild animal sexy time?” a lot of people will run screaming in the opposite direction. You’re being too direct. But apparently the question, “Would you like to watch Netflix and chill?” means exactly the same thing—only they leap at the opportunity. But if, like me, you didn’t know that, you might find yourself trying to queue up an episode of Once Upon a Time while this person you just met keeps blocking your view and complaining that it’s too hot and you should take some clothes off. So you try to signal by saying, “I can fix the temperature” and turning the thermostat down. You make the signal obvious, and turn down the temperature by 10 degrees. It takes three tries for them to get the message, but eventually your signaling works.
Exasperated with how long Europa and Sami’s signaling was taking, I finally whispered to Sami, “Europa is totally into you. Ask her on a date. Bring flowers!” And I whispered to Europa, “Sami is totally into you but is too shy to say so. You can take on the Eastern Bloc, now it’s time to take on romance.” A few minutes later, they asked if I’d keep an eye on Thomas this coming Saturday evening. Apparently, they’re busy.
Signaling is hard, whether it’s in bidding, romance, or trying to send a message without being too blunt. Make your signals strong enough that they’re unambiguous. Repeat them several times, so you’re sending a clear signal. And be on the lookout for possible misunderstandings, so you can correct them as soon as possible.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
- courtesy of Shutterstock.*
About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the Get-it-Done Guy podcast, an iTunes top-10 business podcast, from 2007 to 2020. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a degree in Computer Science from MIT.
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