Originally appeared on: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/qdtarchive/how-to-ask-for-feedback-in-relationships/
April 12, 2016
Be a great team player by catching problems while they’re small.
We all have relationships, both professional and personal. Many are essential to our well-being. We must keep them strong. For example, you want to remain on good terms with your Fairy Godperson. When it’s time for the ball, you want them to provide a magic carriage and glass slippers, not a push scooter and a pair of power-walking shoes
These relationships are important enough that we’re willing to work on them. And we assume everything’s going well unless we’re actively fighting. But if nothing seems to be going wrong, problems with relationships can still fester under the surface. It’s just like a neighborhood swimming hole. A still, calm surface could simply be hiding man-eating octopodes who are hungry. Very, very hungry. If you wait for them to come to light … well, let’s just say that tentacle burns are not an attractive fashion statement.
Don’t wait for problems to emerge on their own! Uncover them regularly, with relationship check-ins.
Ask Your Boss
Ask your bosses for feedback about how you can be a better employee. This isn’t just you wanting to be a better mindless, faceless cog. This is enlightened self-interest: the more you strengthen your relationship with your boss, the greater the chances your boss will help you get ahead. And if not, you can use the strong relationship to invite your boss for a friendly swim at the neighborhood swimming hole.
Europa’s cybernetic son Thomas has been crushing project deadlines lately and is feeling pretty darned good about advancement prospects. But Thomas takes nothing for granted. And at the next one-on-one with his boss, Bernice, it’s a simple matter to slip in an innocuous question. “I was wondering, am I being a good employee?”
Bernice thinks Thomas is doing great. But now that the question is on the table, it would be nice if Thomas could do independent research to solve any problems that come up, before escalating them up to management. Bingo! By checking in, Thomas has turned a hidden weakness into just another project to tackle. Now it’s possible to solve a problem before it becomes a problem. And that puts his relationship with Bernice in a pretty good spot.
Your boss isn’t the only one you have a working relationship with. There are other people whose relationships might benefit from a check-in.
Ask Your Teammates
Your teammates are often your buds, and you don’t want the relationship to get thorny (Get it? “Buds” and “thorny”?)! They’re the difference between you getting it all done or not. They can tell you how to be a better teammate, and if you’re lucky, maybe even create a space for you to say how they’re doing too.
Thomas’s strategy for talking less to Bernice has been to run ideas by Melvin. Melvin, however, is working 12 hours a day preparing a Zombie Apocalypse Disaster Preparedness plan and wants to get it done before, well, before the Zombie Apocalypse.
As it happens, Thomas’s dropping by to ask questions is driving Melvin up the wall. But all it takes is Thomas asking one simple question to solve the problem. “Mel, am I being a good teammate?”
Melvin’s response is telling. “You are, but when you drop by so often, it’s become kind of an interruption. And don’t call me Mel. My name’s Melvin.” Armed with that knowledge, Thomas proposes a switch to email, and, voila, the problem’s been smoothed away. The relationship is once again as soothing as the neighborhood watering hole, only with the confidence that all that’s beneath the surface is more soothing calmness.
The best teammates, however, are those closest to the heart. Your shmoopie and your friends. They need check-ins too.
Ask Your Partner
This may be the most important place to use relationship check-ins of all. You and shmoopie no doubt want the bestest, most loving, cuddling, awesome whoopie relationship you can have! And yes, that means honest communication. Don’t wait for an Ashley Madison data breach to force the issue. Keep your relationship on even keel now, by asking each other how you’re each doing.
After a long day at her plant store, Green Growing Things, Bernice and Melvin head home for some quality snuggle time. Chowing down on some lo mein (an image that you really don’t want to contemplate in too much detail), Bernice felt like their relationship couldn’t have been better. So she figured now was a great time to check in! “Melvin, dearest, am I being a good partner? Is there anything you wish I could be doing differently?”
And indeed, there is. Melvin misses the days when they would cook together after work. He would open the box of instant potatoes and Bernice would carefully measure and pour the water into the pot. This brief trip down memory lane brings tears to Bernice’s eyes as her lower lip quivers in sorrowful nostalgia (another image that you really don’t want to contemplate in too much detail) and she resolves to rekindle their romance by surprising Melvin with an entire pallet of instant mashed potatoes. I strongly suspect they’ll be having another relationship check-in before too long.
Brace Yourself
You’re asking for feedback, make sure you’re ready to hear it. Even if they give you hard answers.
Bernice wasn’t thrilled to hear that Melvin isn’t 100% happy. But knowing that there’s a lurking problem, she can start corrective action now, when all it will take is a small investment in edible stem tubers.
When doing your check-ins, be open and be prepared for any answer. But remember, you’re asking now to catch problems while they’re young. It’s always easier to remove a young blood-sucking tentacle from your your lower calf than waiting too long until things get ugly. So check in with your relationships early, check in often, and you’ll keep your life as calm and placid as a summertime swimming hole.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the Get-it-Done Guy podcast, an iTunes top-10 business podcast, from 2007 to 2020. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a degree in Computer Science from MIT.
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