Originally appeared on: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/qdtarchive/why-no-may-be-the-answer-you-want-to-hear/
June 20, 2016
We all like to hear a resounding “yes” in response to our questions. But sometimes, a “no” can get us what we really want.
In your quest to become a superhero, there are a lot of skills you need to develop. Like leaping tall buildings, or negotiating with international kidnappers. Leaping tall buildings takes really good quads. Get-Fit-Guy Ben Greenfield can help with that.
But when it comes to hostage negotiations, there’s no one better than Chris Voss, the FBI’s top international kidnapping negotiator. After ordering his book Never Split the Difference. I donned my superhero outfit and asked Chris to teach me superhero negotiating skills (you can hear the whole interview at Get It Done Guy). I was taught Getting to Yes, but Chris set me straight. His secret to great negotiating is getting to no!
Yes Is Fake
“What about YES?!” I cried. “Don’t we want them to say Yes?” “Eventually,” said Chris. You want to end at Yes, but you go through No on your way to that Yes. A Yes soon in a negotiation can’t be trusted, because Yes doesn’t always mean Yes.
Some people say Yes to be nice. They’re just too meek to stand up for themselves. Or they’re a dastardly villain, being nice to keep you distracted while their henchmen infiltrate your secret Fortress of Superness.
I was in the market for a Super-Mobile. The first used car lot I visited had the perfect car! The salesbeing said “It’ll be $5,000.” I countered, “How about $1,000? I’m a new superhero and need the car to do superhero stuff!” He said “Yes.” I jumped for joy!
I wasn’t jumping an hour later, after the salesbeing pointed out that a true superhero needs vertical take-off and landing gear, adamantium hubcaps, flame throwers, and a financing plan. Which all added up to $5,000, and he knew it going in. His Yes was just a super villainous ruse.
You can’t count on a Yes.
Trying for Yes Freaks People Out
Besides, pushing too hard for Yes makes enemies. The telephone rings. “Hi!” says a cheerful voice. “Do you ever drink water?” Really? Water? They are asking because they obviously want us to say Yes. Then they’ll lead into a request for money or a sales pitch. We resent them for forcing the Yes, and at the first possible opportunity, we find a way to disengage.
Don’t be that telemarketer! You want to be a Superhero who rescues troubled negotiations from the bottom of the well of disagreement, not a sleazy, 2nd-rate villain who tries too hard for Yes and pushes the negotiations into the well in the first place.
(OK, so the metaphor needs work. But I’m training to be a superhero, not a, er, metaphor-telling guy.)
No Is For Reals
Instead, go for no. Yes might not mean Yes, but No does mean No. No gets real. Stripping away the false Yes lays bare their real desires and kicks off the real negotiation. You’ve found their real line-of-no-return.
But remember! They’re there because they want agreement. So after they’ve said No, start engaging them. Ask questions like, “What would work for you?” After they’ve said No, the doorway is open for exploration.
No Means Safety
No works because No means No. We learn to say No when we’re two years old. We say No to assert our independence. No protects our boundaries, our territory, our Fortress of Superness. When we say No, we feel safe. And when they get the chance to say No, so do they.
This is why getting them to say No enables exploration. They’ve said No. They’ve protected their boundaries. They feel safe—indeed, they are safe!—so they can relax, open up, and communicate.
Use Framing to Elicit No
Get them to say No by asking questions that let them answer No. One way is by framing questions the right way. Think of a question that you know how your nemesis will answer. Then ask it so they have to answer No.
If you know they want to be paid in cash, you can ask a question that confirms it. You could ask, “Do you want to be paid in cash?” Ask that and they’ll answer Yes. Or you could ask, “Is it a problem to be paid in cash?” To that, they’ll answer No.
Every No they say will make them feel a bit safer and willing to open up a little more.
That’s a low-stakes No; it borders on the logistical. Also ask questions with higher emotional stakes. You’ll get Nos with more emotional resonance. “Do you want your project to fail, so you get fired, drink yourself senseless, and die alone in a gutter?” They’ll give you a higher-stakes No.
Every No they say will make them feel a bit safer and willing to open up a little more. Phrase your questions so they answer No.
Ask About Their Feelings to Get No
If you don’t have a question that they’ll answer No, ask about their feelings. But get it wrong. Ask them a question that deliberately misinterprets their feelings.
You know your arch-enemy Chaos McBoomboom hates negotiating. So you say, “You seem like you’re enjoying these negotiations.” Chaos says “No, I’m not.” And… McBOOM! You have your No.
If Chaos is smiling and cheerful, you can say “You seem upset and troubled.” Chaos smiles and says, “No, not really.” You have your No. Now that Chaos feel safe, you can ask, “Really? There’s nothing going wrong?” Chaos says, “No.” And then you say, “That sounds fascinating. Tell me about it.”
Re-engage Colleagues Using No
No has other uses. Powerful No questions suggest you’re ready to walk away. You can force someone’s hand. If a colleague hasn’t responded in a while, you can re-engage them with a simple email. Just send along Chris’s one-liner: “Have you given up on this project?”
People will answer by saying something like, “No, no. I’ve just been busy.” Then they’ll re-engage. If they do say Yes, they’ve given up, you need to know that, and can talk to them about why.
When you hear No, don’t take it as anti-Yes. It might mean “Wait until I decide,” or “I’m not comfortable with that.” Accept that. Help your negotiating counter-party say No early and often. And when you hear that No, it’s time for the negotiation to begin. They’ll feel safer, and you know where their limits are. Now use the safer space to open a conversation and find creative ways to bring the negotiation to a successful conclusion.
Do you have superb, amazing superhero-level powers of negotiations? If not, listen to my full interview with Chris Voss. And remember: you don’t want to miss the chance to read his book, Never Split The Difference.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the Get-it-Done Guy podcast, an iTunes top-10 business podcast, from 2007 to 2020. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a degree in Computer Science from MIT.
Copyright © 2025 Macmillan Publishing Group, LLC. Quick & Dirty Tips™ and related trademarks appearing on this website are the property of Mignon Fogarty, Inc. and Macmillan Publishing Group, LLC.