Originally appeared on: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/qdtarchive/make-business-and-relationships-stronger-with-one-magic-phrase/
July 12, 2016
Relationships need maintenance, but sometimes it’s hard to say what we need to – even moreso when mixing business and friendship. Here’s a magic phrase, and useful technique, that will help.
Bernice runs the Green Growing Things plant shop, and her husband-to-be Melvin works as the IT guy there. They have it made. They can be shmoopies at home and co-workers at the store.
But recently, work has been following them home. Melvin has a computer problem he doesn’t want to bring up because it might make Bernice mad. Bernice doesn’t want Melvin to know about cash shortfalls, or recent canceled orders; she suspects the computer system screwed up the orders, and it might be Melvin’s fault. After all, every time she looks over at him in work, she sees him playing videogames, not testing his software. Together they snuggle in for an episode of their favorite show, but there’s something just… off. Even Buffy’s taekwondo takedown of a cemetery full of vampires isn’t quite enough to relax them.
Working with our friends and family can be a blast. But business can introduce new worries, and work tensions can hurt friendships. To keep your friendship strong, even when business problems intrude, make sure you have a way to catch and resolve problems early.
One way to do this is by checking in regularly to make sure everything is OK with the other person. If you want advice on how to ask others for feedback on your own behavior, see a previous Get-it-Done Guy article here. For giving feedback, however, there’s one magical check-in method that will keep your relationship on solid ground.
Play Mad-Libs: Complete the Magic Sentence
You could check in with each other by asking “What’s wrong?” But “What’s wrong” sets up a negative conversation. It could veer off into blame, anguish, and years of couples therapy.
Instead, check in by finishing the magical sentence, “What I’m afraid to tell you right now is…” Complete the sentence with the news you’re most afraid to share from different areas of your relationship, in a positive and constructive way.
This phrasing acknowledges how hard it is to say what we need to. And it does it in a non-accusatory way. Bernice and Melvin need to be able to bring up difficult work issues without it becoming personal. “What I’m afraid to tell you right now is…” provides a way to bring up the scary stuff while framing it as a known minefield.
Schedule a Regular Check-in
It’s one thing to know what to ask your partner to make sure things are going great. But it’s another to actually do it. Schedule a time to check in so that you both actually get around to making sure everything is hunky dorey, peachy keen, and neat-o.
Bernice suggests she and Melvin work with the magic sentence at a mid-week lunch check-in. And indeed, she suggests they check in every week. If there’s nothing to say, they can just enjoy lunch together. If there are issues to resolve, they can address those. Melvin agreed, though he was a little apprehensive. What if a difficult subject came up? Bernice is rather famous for her temper.
This is why how you do your check in is just as important as doing it.
Deliver Your Statement in a Positive or Tone-Neutral Way
When expressing yourself, it can be easy to blow up and deliver your message angrily. But that rarely solves the issue.
It’s Wednesday, and it’s time for Bernice and Melvin’s check-in. Bernice wanted to jump right into the conversation guns blazing. “What I am afraid to tell you right now is that we lost a ton of flower orders, and this month’s revenue will not be enough. And it is all because your stupid system doesn’t work.”
Woah! Bernice! Back off! Just using the “What I’m afraid to tell you” phrasing isn’t quite enough. Delivery matters! Plan your delivery, as well as your words.
When expressing yourself, it can be easy to blow up and deliver your message angrily. But that rarely solves the issue, and ends up making everyone feel bad. Instead, try to be as neutral or as positive as you can when telling your partner what’s up.
Bernice’s new version might be, “What I am afraid to tell you right now is that we lost a ton of flower orders, and this month’s revenue will not be enough. It’s your fault because of the issues in the system.” But she said the phrase in her head first, in the nicest voice she could possibly use.When expressing yourself, it can be easy to blow up and deliver your message angrily. But that rarely solves the issue, and ends up making everyone feel bad. Instead, try to be as neutral or as positive as you can when telling your partner what’s up.
People react to the emotion in your voice. If you sound mad, it triggers the other person’s Lizard Brain. They’ll suddenly bare their fangs and go for the jugular. So deliver your phrase in a voice tone that won’t upset them. Rehearse it in your head with difference voice tones, and then deliver it in a tone-neutral way. And remove adjectives like “stupid.” Just state the facts.
By removing the judgmental words and aggressive voice tone, Melvin would be able to hear her message. But there’s still more room for improvement.
Own Your Own Feelings to Express Yourself Better
It’s tempting to stick to the facts, and assume that our emotions don’t matter in solving the problem. But checking in is a process of expressing yourself fully, so you don’t blow up later. Expressing yourself means recognizing what you feel so you can own your emotions – then name them.
Here’s how it sounds. “What I am afraid to tell you right now is that we lost a ton of flower orders. I am scared and worried that this month’s revenue might not be enough. It is your fault because of the issues in the system.”
Saying she’s scared and worried names her emotions, and owns her reaction. It also lets Melvin know what’s going on beneath the surface. He cares about her a lot, so when he hears this he’ll want to find any way he can to help her out.
But the last piece of Bernice’s check in is pretty harsh. “It’s your fault” isn’t a phrase most people can hear without feeling bad.
Speak in “I” Language to Deliver News Without Accusation
Humans love to blame! It makes sense, because it feels so good not to be the one at fault.
Unfortunately, when you make someone feel bad, once again, their lizard brain takes over. Only this time, it grows to 500 feet tall and destroys Tokyo. By phrasing things from an “I” point of view, you can keep them calm, and Tokyo safe.
People get defensive when blamed. Instead of saying, “You hurt me,” say, “I feel hurt when you…” Then name the behavior they did.
Bernice’s new version: “What I’m afraid to tell you right now is that we lost a ton of flower orders. I’m worried this month’s revenue might not be enough. I am scared that the problem may be with the system.”
This way, the blame isn’t on Melvin. Bernice is talking about her fears, not about Melvin’s performance. She follows it up with a question, so the discussion can move into problem-solving mode. Perfect!
Since the magic statement finds problems when they’re still teeny tiny nagging issues, you don’t even need to solve the issue right away. During your check-in, you can make a quick plan to fix something later.
To sum up: By scheduling a relationship check-in and using the Magic Sentence “What I’m afraid to tell you is…”, you can detect hidden landmines before they become a problem. Ask the question with a friendly tone of voice. Name your feelings, eliminate blame, and speak in “I” sentences. Then make a plan. In part 2 of this episode, we’ll explore different ways you can use the Magic Sentence to keep your work and life running as smooth as melted butter.
With a deep breath, Bernice gently told Melvin what was going on. He replied easily. “I know what’s happening, and I’m all over it!” They hugged super-sweetly. Bernice already felt better about the month for the store, and Melvin had a weight lifted off his shoulders.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the Get-it-Done Guy podcast, an iTunes top-10 business podcast, from 2007 to 2020. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a degree in Computer Science from MIT.
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