Originally appeared on: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/qdtarchive/give-thank-you-gifts-in-the-right-love-language/
June 30, 2015
People give and receive recognition differently. Knowing the five love languages and how to use them can be the secret to good romantic and work relationships.
Today’s we’re going to learn how to show appreciation at work, and how to demonstrate love at home. You know, thank you gifts, employee recognition, and stuff like that. But this time, we’re going to take a systematic, psychological approach.
Oh, boy! Love! I just love love. Actually, no, I don’t. It’s supposed to be all Disney and fairy tales, with lots of staring into each other’s eyes with glittery sparkles, and animated woodland creatures hanging around. But in real life, relationships are a ton of work. And that’s still the good ones. The great thing about loving someone, or liking them, is that doing stuff for them actually feels good. For example, we might clean our entire apartment for our shmoopie. We put everything in its place, we dust, we vacuum, all so shmoopie will feel wonderful tonight! Then shmoopie comes home, takes one look at the fantastically clean apartment, and rewards all our hard work! How? Not by changing out of work clothes into saran wrap. No, shmoopie plops down in a chair and says, “What a day! Will you make dinner tonight? I’m pooped.”
This is where the “ton of work” begins. We have to remind ourselves that we love shmoopie—even if shmoopie is an oblivious clod who wouldn’t notice how much we do for him or her in a million years, we love shmoopie anyway. So, we grit our teeth and pretend everything is fine, so shmoopie will feel good, no matter how horribly insensitive shmoopie might be behaving. That special pretending, coupled with a healthy dose of denial and self-deception, are what being in a relationship is all about.
People Speak Different Languages
Actually, what’s happening isn’t deep relationship drama, no matter how much it seems that way. It’s simply that shmoopie and you have different love languages. In the book The 5 Love Languages, relationship counselor Gary Chapman relays a surprising discovery. After seeing gazillions of couples who had “fallen out of love,” he found that the problem was usually that the couple expressed and recognized love in different ways. These are “love languages.” When someone expressed love using the wrong language, their shmoopie didn’t get the message; shmoopie felt ignored, not loved.
(By the way, if you’re thinking that this is just about romantic relationships, think again. Everything in this episode applies at work in the form of employee recognition, or just making nice with your colleagues.)
Words of Affirmation
Words of affirmation is a love language that involves saying supportive things without being asked. Acknowledging and praising someone’s efforts, complimenting their strengths, and being verbally supportive are all words of affirmation. When you speak negatively to someone whose love language is words of affirmation, it is especially hurtful. People who need words of affirmation thrive on compassion, encouragement, and positivity.
Acts of Service
The Acts of Service love language means doing things to relieve someone of stress or responsibility. If this is shmoopie’s primary love language, find out what’s weighing shmoopie down and simply say “Let me do that for you.” If you drop the ball or appear to be lazy, they’ll interpret that as disregard. But when you actually do it and follow through, acts of service will mean the world to them.
People who need words of affirmation thrive on compassion, encouragement, and positivity.
Quality Time
The Quality Time love language says “I love you” by giving full, undivided attention. They like you to be present with them—without TV, comic books, newspapers, or reading while you spend time together. Not even smartphones or Facebook. When you are distracted or you don’t listen, it hurts Quality Time shmoopies. Thanks to Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat, shmoopies who need quality time are becoming despondent. Give them time alone together, and make it just about the two of you.
Gifts
Some shmoopies give and receive love through gifts. They might be thank you gifts, or they might be a different kind of gift. You know that ad that says “diamonds are a shmoopie’s best friend?” Well, even aside from the slave labor used to produce blood diamonds and finance insurgents and invaders in third world countries, it turns out that some shmoopies recognize love through gifts. Forget a birthday gift or give a thoughtless gift, and shmoopie feels abandoned. But give shmoopie a thoughtful, enduring gift, and it’s love all the way!
These four love languages work in business, as well as in personal lives. If a colleague or employee values acts of service, then show them appreciation by doing them a favor or lightening their load. If they value quality time, collaborate with them on a project. Words of affirmation? Make sure to praise their accomplishments. It’s worth taking the time to ask someone how they receive appreciation, so when you show them recognition, you can do so in a way they’ll understand.
This is really important. I’ve seen many examples of companies that try to show appreciation for valuable employees, and they use the wrong language. The employee values verbal recognition, and they get tickets to a badminton match instead. Or they love sports and get a nice Rubik’s Cube paperweight gift. Know the right language to use and you’ll send the message you intend.
Physical Touch
The final love language is one that really isn’t appropriate for the workplace. It’s physical touch. The Physical Touch love language isn’t necessarily about sex; it’s about hugs, back pats, holding hands, and other forms of physical affection. The Physical Touch shmoopie sends and recognizes love through physical contact. Harsh touch or lack of touch will be experienced as rejection, while positive touch will help shmoopie feel secure and like he or she belongs. A massage gift certificate, for example, might be a socially acceptable thank you gift for a physical touch person.
The Top Two Matter
Head on over to https://5lovelanguages.com and take the mini-survey to find out your love languages, in order of importance. Your top two love languages are the ones you naturally use to express and recognize love. Find out shmoopie’s love languages. Find out your coworkers’ love languages. Find out everyone’s love languages. Then, when you want to make them feel bad, send them love in the wrong languages. Send an Acts of Service person a Gift. One that requires a lot of maintenance, like a plant. They’ll love that—bwah hah hah hah hah! When you want them to feel good, however, use their love language. They’ll love you for it, and hopefully, they’ll even express it in a way you understand. For love is a many-splendored thing, and saying “I love you” or “I appreciate you” has many-splendored ways of expression.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the Get-it-Done Guy podcast, an iTunes top-10 business podcast, from 2007 to 2020. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a degree in Computer Science from MIT.
Copyright © 2025 Macmillan Publishing Group, LLC. Quick & Dirty Tips™ and related trademarks appearing on this website are the property of Mignon Fogarty, Inc. and Macmillan Publishing Group, LLC.