Originally appeared on: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/qdtarchive/how-to-come-to-terms-with-constructive-feedback/
May 9, 2016
Constructive criticism helps us get better at work and life, but we’re still learning how to react. Here are some tips on how to stay level-headed.
You’re great! And if you’re listening to this podcast, you care about getting better. And an essential part of getting better is understanding where you have “opportunities for improvement.”
But when well-meaning, helpful people point out our mistakes—I mean “opportunities for improvement”—we just might fly into a mindless rage and do unspeakable things to any stuffed animals in range. There’s got to be a way to accept feedback from others and still have Fluffy Wuffy survive.
Outdraw the People Around You
Everyone knows that if you can draw your Light Saber first, you can neatly slice right through your opponent’s clothing, leaving them suddenly naked so they run off and hide behind the nearest large object. Star Wars wanted a G rating, so they glossed over this point, but at long last, the truth can come out. After all, how do you think the Jedi were able to subdue enemies without actually engaging in violence?
You can do the same thing, with your awesome verbal light-saber, by opening yourself up for improvement before it comes to you by surprise. Look at the people around you. They may appear sweet and innocent, but inside, they’re teeming with tips on how you can work better, how you can treat them better, and all the ways you can improve. And if you ask for their opinion first, you’re in the position of power, even if their feedback isn’t exactly what you want to hear.
When you initiate the feedback discussion, it puts you in a good headspace to receive the advice. You know it’s coming. You asked for it. It will be easier to take once it gets to you. If you want to know how to ask for feedback, you can listen to my past episode by going to GetItDoneGuy.com/askforfeedback.
But say you don’t ask for the feedback, and Kel from the desk down the row is rounding your cubicle, just frothing at the lips with useful feedback that you’re about to hear, whether or not you want to. How do you prepare to hear the unexpected?
Go to “The Balcony”
At the Harvard Program on Negotiation, they say to keep feelings in check. How? When the feels are starting to rise up, notice! Is your fist clenching itself? That’s a sign. Do you find yourself casually strolling to the fireplace, picking up the poker, and gripping it a bit too tightly as you rearrange the deadly, flaming logs beneath the chimney? That’s another sign.
At that moment, imagine yourself floating up to a balcony, watching Kel give you feedback. If you take yourself out of the direct situation, you can look at the situation objectively. Your emotion can be one of interest and curiosity. Calm interest and curiosity. Calmer … calmer…. Put down the poker. Yes, like that! Now you can take the feedback at face value, and decide if your critic’s feedback is worthwhile. Just listen to the words, and understand you can let them affect you only if you want them to.
Keep in mind that your critics are people too, and believe it or not, they may be having a tough time saying what they’re saying.
Then thank them. If you’re feeling advanced, you can even genuinely feel grateful. Remind yourself this could be information that will help you get better, however difficult it may be to hear. And be compassionate with yourself, as well. Your gut may freak out at Kel’s helpful hints, but in this case, you need to stay calm and not do anything that will make the situation worse.
Don’t Get Defensive
Bad reactions to criticism can hurt a relationship, so be careful not to make the conversation into a confrontation. Getting defensive can do just that. Instead, thank them and take notes. Value their feedback, even if you disagree.
Your natural instinct might be to lash out and defend yourself. Or to make up excuses. Or even to blame other people. Don’t do it. If you want a great example of how we use blame to make ourselves feel better, but not to accomplish anything, check out the video at www.GetItDoneGuy/blamevideo.
Besides going to the balcony, and remaining positive, there’s another way to avoid getting defensive when faced with criticism.
You Can Negotiate
Criticism is just words, and you don’t have to take them at face value. Chances are, people giving you feedback came up with it based on the way they like to do things. Don’t let this go to your head, but:
Your way might just be better.
If someone gives you criticism, you can politely ask them to clarify what they mean. Ask how what you did was wrong. Ask how your actions could have been improved. You might get even better feedback, or you might find out they were way off base. (If they were, by the way, don’t tell them unless they ask. This is about them helping you, not the other way around.)
Understand, though, that the other person might not be into a clarifying conversation. They may not have a genuine motive to help you, but may simply be trying to destroy your confidence and ego, and crush any remaining spark of ambition and creativity you may have. So ask their permission before you start firing away clarifying questions that could be misconstrued as confrontational. Because feedback is hard communication, and you need to help out the person trying to make you a better person.
Help Out Your Critics
Keep in mind that your critics are people too, and believe it or not, they may be having a tough time speaking up. Giving feedback can be really hard. Make it easy for them by being understanding and curious.
Help yourself by writing down the feedback when you get it, and sit on it for a day. Don’t rush into using the advice until you’ve really considered if it’s worth it. Then, and reread it when your mind is open and fresh, and put the advice to work!
Feedback happens, and it can even help us make ourselves better. Ask people for feedback before they have the chance to offer it. Go to the balcony if you start to get triggered. Say “Thank you,” and don’t argue or defend. Just take it in. Ask clarifying questions to understand if there’s really substance to what they’re saying, and make the conversation easy for them. Then review the comments later and put it to work if it will make your life better. Once you’re good at receiving feedback, your life will be better, you’ll know what to improve for rapid personal development, and you’ll gradually accumulate a useful list of the people you can go to in the event that Cthulu returns to the earth and demands human sacrifices.
Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!
About the Author
Stever Robbins was the host of the Get-it-Done Guy podcast, an iTunes top-10 business podcast, from 2007 to 2020. He is a graduate of W. Edward Deming’s Total Quality Management training program and a Certified Master Trainer Elite of NLP. He holds an MBA from the Harvard Business School and a degree in Computer Science from MIT.
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